I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
