I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
