When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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