Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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