i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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