You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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