Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
