Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
