I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
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Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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