there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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