and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
