my sisters under your porch take her home
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
