can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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