This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
