I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
