You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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