So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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