I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
