We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
