he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
