You just made me feel so damn special
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
