Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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