dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
