i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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