How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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