Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
so much tequila, so little girl.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
