what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
