Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
