who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
