"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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