the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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