I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
