You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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