I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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