You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
