here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
