nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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