My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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