He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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