I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
