Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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