Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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