high people should be assigned attendants
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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