Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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