Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize