I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize