Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
