my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
