By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
