I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
