I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
