The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
