I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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