I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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