grandma shit on top of the toilet
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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