Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
