How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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