she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
