Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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