I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
