Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
