So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
