I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We got so high we made milksteak
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
